Blank pages, grief, and going back to writing

We caught the sunset at Haleakala National Park on Maui. It’s about 10,000 ft above sea level. Easily one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in my lifetime. This photo doesn’t do justice!

The idea of a blank page scares me. When you begin to craft an essay, a blog, or an entry in your journal, you can write anything. When you encounter a blank page while reading a book, it usually signifies a new chapter is about to start. A character might die, a character might fall in love, who knows? Same thing with life, it is so daunting and exhausting to start over again. But beginnings are so, so beautiful. You never know where they could lead us. 

This website was set to expire earlier this month, and I let it expire because I no longer had the desire to keep it going. After all, I’ve only really published one thing. I stopped going to my writing club in Honolulu even after running into writer friends in my neighborhood, and they’d ask when I’d show up again. I know I love to write and put my thoughts down on a blank page; I’d wondered where that love had gone. I realized that I never lost that love. I just kept writing in the form of journal entries and love letters to someone I love so deeply. 

Last night, I was on the phone with my friend and mentor, Donovin, for four hours. He was helping me through a difficult breakup where I felt my world crumbling down. Where everything felt like it shattered. A relationship where I found myself but started to lose myself when it ended. It was one where I saw my future life so clearly. So clearly that I’ve never wanted anything that bad, and you start to fantasize about it until it becomes reality.

I spent my days moping in bed, walking to Junipero Beach for my daily two-hour cry, watching rom-coms on Netflix, snooping on Reddit to gather support from people going through the same thing, and then repeating the same cycle every day with the occasional “I will never love again” reminder to self. 

During every call with Donovin, I’d always feel the sense of motivation.. spark.. to channel my energy somewhere. I may have lost someone I love, but I never lost my love for writing. While I’ve only published one post, that post, to my surprise, has inspired others to make a leap in their lives. I heard from people who I didn’t know were even going through the same motions in life. Even during this rock bottom feeling, I can’t even express how comforting it felt to hear about people going through something similar in life, especially on Reddit where everything is anonymous and people can write honestly. There’s comfort in knowing that it got better for someone else. That maybe, just maybe, I will be okay too.

The mornings after a loss, breakup, and drastic life change.. they are the most difficult. Truly. A friend once told me that grief is like a ball in the box. As we go through life, that ball might hit the side of a box, and that feeling of grief is going to feel exactly like Day 1. Friends, readers, if you are going through this, I am sorry. Feel every tear, every hint of a smile, and every gasp as you try to catch your breath. I kept listening to others to tell me what I should do, what I should feel. When you are telling yourself to feel a certain way, you will feel a gravitational pull within you that’s going to feel inauthentic, out of place. It’s a disservice to yourself. Feel your feelings authentically. No one can be more honest to you than yourself. No one knows the pain you feel. No one knows how deeply you love but you.

You are allowed to fall apart. Be in a space that allows you to fall apart. Even if I wanted to, keeping up a facade that shows “I’m okay” won’t last very long. Lastly, you don’t have to be okay for me. I have never cried about a boy to my mom, but when she uttered words that were similar to that.. I can’t even explain the feeling. I felt like she had her hand on my heart, protecting it from breaking further. Find people you don’t have to be okay for, and if you can’t, my inbox is open.

Find yourself a Junipero Beach where you can be you. I’ll meet you there!