Running away from NYC & moving to Hawaii
“When we relinquish the punishing need for perfection–or, rather, let go of the fear of not being perfect–we find freedom, joy, and all the other good stuff we want in life.”
- Reshma Saujani (Brave, Not Perfect)
I ran away from New York City. On a whim.
This is not one of those pieces where I sat down and simply wrote everything in one go. I spent a lot of time discerning what to write here given that this is the first post on this website, and it’s the first piece of myself that I’m putting out there. Here’s me trying to go with the flow and writing what the heart dictates.
There are many reasons why I left New York City. A few of them I could capture easily. A few of them I cannot put into words because they’re feelings only I could understand.
On My Own Two Feet
My dear friend, Contessa, who I adore profoundly, took me to my first coworking space experience in SoHo. I was lurking around the space when I saw two people, about my age, attempting to make boba in the kitchen. My curiosity took over and I suddenly got the courage to approach them and ask if it was safe to make boba in a microwave (I didn’t think so!). Towards the end of the evening, we decided to grab dinner with our new friends. As we shared plates and glasses of wine, we talked about our travels and nomadic experiences. I was in awe with the variety of experiences they had at such a young age – backpacking in Europe, living in Ecuador, surfing accidents, and other bad decisions that became good stories. I remember thinking to myself, “Damn, I’ve never experienced that. I’m not brave enough to go on solo vacations or visit places new to me.” Part of me was undermining myself, especially knowing that I moved to the United States on my own at 18 years old. Growing up, my family didn’t travel much either. That’s when I decided that this is the time to be brave. The next day, I booked a solo trip to Los Angeles and Honolulu.
Flying Solo
After a short stint in the Los Angeles area with family, I flew to Honolulu on my own. I had never been to Honolulu, and I had nothing planned but my accommodations. I looked for the best hostel on the island and luckily got one of the last reservations available. During the entire trip of four days, to my surprise, I never spent a day solo. I was afraid I wouldn’t have anything to do or have people to do activities with. I was pleasantly surprised by the sheer number of people like me who want to see the world on their own feet.
In hindsight, there were two defining moments during that trip. The first one was when I had time to kill between my check-out time at the hostel and my flight. I was hanging around the lobby of hostel when a current guest asked about long-term stays. The staff at the desk and my good friend, Zain, told her about their other properties catered to working professionals. I eavesdropped to the extent of filling the void through my ears, but I truly didn’t think much of it. The second defining moment was when I sat on the plane, thinking of how I was going to survive that 10-hour flight but simultaneously dreading my return to New York. I felt that same emotion many more times while traveling during the month of January, and it was at its peak whenever I was making my way back to New York.
Leaving Comfort
I toyed with the idea of moving to Hawaii. It felt like a fever dream. Truth be told, I was hesitating until the day before my flight back to Honolulu. I remember getting back from driving my things to my aunt’s house with a friend and not believing that it was about to happen. Jimmy kept repeating how excited he was for me and how badass it was for me to make this move. I don’t know if he knew how much I needed that.. Well, maybe he did. But him repeating that over and over gave me the fuel for the last mile. Jimmy, if you’re reading this, thank you. I remember driving to the airport with my roommates, and it only hit me when Grace unloaded my luggage off the car. This was it. At first, moving seemed like an inconvenience, and I simply did not have the time to find a place, move my things, and find someone to takeover my New York apartment. I was pleasantly surprised when the stars aligned and all those dreaded to-dos were accomplished seamlessly. Well, seamless might not be the right word, but everything required less effort than expected.
As soon as I got back to work after the holidays, I pooled every ounce courage I had in my body to ask my boss if I could work remotely from Hawaii. Within 30 minutes of asking, I got all the necessary approvals. It’s like the universe wanted me to make the move. I knew I had to leave my comfort zone.. how lucky am I to call New York City my comfort zone? Many people dream of living there, and for me to admit that its become my comfortable every day almost feels sinful.
Falling in Love with Hawaii
The short answer I gave to people whenever I was asked the reason behind my move to Hawaii is “I fell in love with Hawaii”. I sat with this thought for days, and in the spirit of becoming more authentic with myself, I have to admit that my answer no longer holds true. I realized that I fell in love with the version of me in Hawaii and that’s why I made the move. I tried to make my move as silent as I could, not wanting to tell anyone if I could jump that bridge. I only told my parents after I booked my one-way ticket. It took courage for me to accept that I was not mentally strong at that stage in my life, and any interference/opinion would simply make me doubt my decision. I’ve upset many people by not telling them, but there’s this headstrong part of me that knows that I don’t owe anyone an explanation. If you happen to be reading this and if you were/are one of those upset with me, I hope you finally understand.
Convincing Myself I Was Happy
I’m one of those people who saw the beauty in the mundane. I think it’s one of my greatest strengths and also one of my biggest downfalls. I don’t see a cup as half empty nor half full. I’d be grateful for having a cup. For nearly two years in New York, I convinced myself that I was happy. Maybe I genuinely was, but I also know, from the bottom of my heart, that I’ve spent a lot of time convincing myself that I was meant to be there at this stage in my life. This is me realizing that New York City is not for everyone. It could be for me, but not right now. When I thought of the city, I would immediately remember the worst parts of me. I remember the nights I felt pressured to have because I was in New York and had to live it up at 23 years old. I remember losing parts of myself, like my love for cooking, because I didn’t have time for it. I was in this chase state of mind that drained every ounce of my soul, but I didn’t want to stop because I had this vision of success – a girl who has it all. I wanted everything. I wanted to be everything. The perfect job at a prestigious firm, an accelerated promotion path up the corporate ladder, a big salary to afford a more comfortable lifestyle, a Manhattan apartment, expensive brunches and constant company, a classy wardrobe, a stellar fit body, and a long-term partner who also had it all. I was chasing and chasing and chasing to no end. Because after all, you can’t have everything.
Choosing Myself
“One of the hallmarks of happiness is having close, meaningful connections with others. But keeping up a facade of having it all together keeps us isolated, because it keeps us from forging real, honest, deep relationships where we can fully be ourselves and feel accepted exactly as we are.” I think about this quote by Reshma Saujani a lot. I wanted everyone to know I had it all together. I wanted to portray this perfect person, only to realize that I was slowly destroying myself in the process. I’ve had relationships and friendships (even family included) in which I hid all the difficult parts to prove I was worthy of their love. I was afraid they’d leave the moment they realize how broken I could be. While some have decided to exit my life for that reason and for others, I made it my life’s mission to unlearn that the parts of me that deviate from the kind of person I want to be don’t need to be shrugged under. I am worthy of love through my highs and lows.
I’m not sure when my heart will be ready to go back “home” to New York, but until then, I’ll be living on a beautiful Hawaiian island, working on myself wholeheartedly and pouring into my own cup.
